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Sunday, May 08, 2005
Getting out is never as easy as falling into Love
All along i thought i was the perfect boyfriend... when actually i was a horrible one...
I never kept my promises... Im never on time... I was never responsible... I was never ever serious...
FCUK... It was like hitting a brick wall when i came to realize tis... It's so obvious... N I never saw it... til its too late I knew...
I knew I was all those things... But i never did anything about it... I never tot they were important... I always thought I'd have time to change LATER...
Man... How stupid I was... I never want to be those things to her... I love her... But I'm not right for her... At least not yet... I'm so sorry... So sorry becos of what I was... what I guess I still am...
It's funny how I always say I will definitely be willing to change in a relationship... Yes I did change... but definitely not enough...
To Her..
I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... I've failed you...
I have to change... I keep starting on these 'I will change' journeys
but somehow I keep straying away from the path...
I need to realli "start something and FINISH IT!!"
I need to start living... PROPERLY...
I can't have the world revolve around me...
I can't wake up anytime I feel like it...
I can't procrastinate...
I can't joke about everything and not know when to be serious...
I can't.. and I don't want to anymore...
From me..
I used to think wearing stylish clothes or looking good or driving a car or being free from 'rules' or being funny ALL the time or doing whatsoever makes me feel good, makes me good enough f for you... But that's not it...
Being responsible is wat makes me cool... Being independant makes me cool... Being focused on work makes me cool... Being righteous makes me cool... Being your Man makes me feels really cool... I wanna be cool... in your eyes...I don't deny I miss you... I want you to know
I miss you everyday...
For E both of Us..
I guess even if you come right back in, into my life now...
I'd still ask you to give me time...
Time to change into a 'COOLER' person...
I still think of you all so often... And I still miss you everyday...
That's like the least I can do...
And I hope u r happy...
You seems really happy whenever I saw you wif him...
Tat's good...
It's good to know your not going thru what I'm going through...
I prayed for Strength.. for Motivation..
To be COOL.. To be.. a Real Man..
To be..
Wat you call an Responsible Adult...
--------------------------------------
21yrs of age...
Yes, I'm officially an adult in the eyes of the law...
But I still wasting my life away..
not excatly the kind of man you would desire
I know but I'll hope
Maybe one day, in your eyes...
I'll finally be "21 years old"..
Finally good enough to be
Ur "ideal boyfriend"...
-Jason-


tried to be a somebody at Sunday, May 08, 2005

=========


history
Insignificant



I'm nobody really.Serious. Just an unknown guy, Living the infamous lowlife of human society. Unknown, Unseemed, Unheard of. I'm the good old rational goof. Running my own little life. I'll never do anything out of line, Never disturb the rest, Never offend my own kind. Perhaps you're wondering, I'm stupid I'm insignificant, I smoke my life away and keeps people away, How could I be, a good old goofy? Well a girl told me once, That I'm called Jason and I'm just another chap. But if I be a goody goody one, Live my little life, Never to step out of my own lane, Be good work hard, I would get to my final destination. Find a life, And become a somebody. Somebody. Someday. Somehow. Well it's been ages since I've seen her again. But her words still rung in my head. Ever since I've lost her in Tekong, I've come to this weirdo place in Kranji. When everyday I just run and run and run. Never gettin to where I wan to be, But never mind, I'll keep running, Be good work hard, I'll get there someday. Someday. Somehow. Sometime. When I get there I bet all my fellow mates will go mad. Maybe that would be the day they'll let me go back! Go back to you, girl. Then I could hold you again. Like we never separated before. Do you know how much this unknown chap. Your little boy, misses you? But it's okay it's all right, I'll run my little life well. Be good work hard, I'll keep to my own lane. Never step out of line. And soon enough I'll get there. Get a fuckin new life, I hear it's fanatastic, they say. And then I'll return to you. Back to the fields of the old days. Marry the sweet little you, And have lots of little 'uns. Just like the average man. Just like the average society. But first I need to keep running. Run and run and run. Until I get to there, Become the winner, Become that somebody you wanted me to become, That somebody man. But well, Until then, I'm a nobody really. Just a unknown chap called Jayson. Running my little lowlife. Wait for me.




I have friends?
My Dearest. Elaine
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